“You can’t let fear stop you,” I stated boldly as I stood there fixed in domesticity, senses alert to the smells emanating from Sunday supper baking in the oven. “I once drove through Roger’s Pass in a snowstorm! If I could do it, you can too!”
And it was then, right at that precise moment, when I first realized, like really realized, I’ve been over-protecting my kids for two full decades.
I’d set out to be a different kind of parent, one that went coolly, like hey man, with the flow: an honest-to-goodness ‘hippie momma’ for the modern day. I’d set out to be the kind of mother who would swaddle her babe in a flowered scarf, strap that babe to her back, and set off down the proverbial road of life. That’s not an easy task when you end up with four babes and you only have two hands and one back; and, oh yah, you move to another country, and return, a few times (and your husband is not exactly the ‘flower-power’ type, thankfully!).
But what was my grown son so afraid of? What was he so cautious about doing?
He wasn’t expressing fear of going hiking in Matchu Picchu or underwater cave diving in the Media Luna. He wasn’t balking at the idea of anything perilous or dodgy. He was merely expressing his reluctance to spend time ‘alone’ when visiting Paris, as in France, without having confidence in his French skills (keeping in mind that my children are fully bilingual in English and Spanish and have all taken core French in school for years).
“What are ya, nuts?” his younger sister blurted. “If I had the chance to go to Paris I would drop everything and just GO!”
“I wouldn’t let you go alone to Paris, young lady!” I remarked.
I mean wait! Hear me out!
There’s a big difference between being a young, inexperienced, ‘cared for and cushioned in every way’ teenager and going off into the ‘big ole’ world’ unsupervised, or being a newly-minted graduate of university (and a six-foot tall, strong, healthy male), isn’t there?
I mean, isn’t there?
But what kind of message was I giving my children (specifically my daughter)?
I busied myself with the laundry, becoming ensconced in the onslaught of memories that came over me, while the kids did their thing (waited for the meal to be prepared and served by their very motherly mother).
How many madcap or downright screwball things had I done in my lifetime? How many?
And I had so many great memories because of them.
And, I became who I am today because of them too!
So why was I, in my youth, so fearless? Why was I so eager to get out and experience the great big world?
There are vast differences between the way I grew up and the way I’m raising my kids, starting with the fact that I was raised in Small Town Ontario, and my kids have already lived in two provinces, in two countries, and carry three nationalities in their blood.
I had an enormous amount of freedom growing up (typical of other kids in my home town, and of our -lucky- generation), which made me very independent and, most ironically (given that our town had a population of three thousand wholesome individuals), street-wise at a younger age. But, I must have also had an innate sense of adventure (and confidence), a sort of itinerant urge to get out there, that some of my children have not yet honed. That must be it. I’ll blame it on my genetic make-up! My father is a wanderer. It’s his fault.
Is the world more dangerous today, or are we, as parents, simply more fearful?
Just to be clear, none of my ‘zanier’ experiences were ever truly dangerous: I was not a thrill-seeking, risk-taking child or teen. On the contrary, I was always aware of the rules, safety concerns, and moderation in the activities and adventures I sought. I mean, sailing out to the middle of the local lake and tipping the boat, without lifejackets, was never our plan! And we could see the shoreline, for sure, one hundred percent, if we squinted.
I never once thought the bungee cord would actually break as I plunged over that raging canyon in Australia, dangling by a thin elastic thread. Who’s to say a novice skier can’t tackle the triple black diamond run at Blackcomb Mountain in any given January? Who? Huh?
And that band trip to New Orleans? That time we marched in the Mardi Gras parade in the wild streets of an inebriated city, in the midst of their best annual party, and I danced to the beat of another band’s drums (having been separated from my own miles earlier)…well that was just good clean fun! As was Bourbon Street later on, when all of my friends were scattered about, lured by the music and caught on the current of revellers.
Driving (alone) out to British Columbia without a map (and no such thing as a cell phone) wasn’t difficult at all. It never crossed my mind that I could be putting myself in any danger, at any time, other than having some money stolen from me at the Youth Hostel in Calgary, getting semi-lost in the Badlands, or once, for a split-second, in the backwoods of Montana; and other than…those blizzard warnings while driving through Glacier National Park. It was all good!
And here I am today to tell the tales. Right?
The oven timer beeped. The roast was done and the kids were, as they said emphatically, starving! I dropped the laundry basket in the guest room and sauntered back into the living room smiling like the Cheshire Cat.
“What?” my son asked.
“Have you ever heard any Dixieland music?” I asked.
“Nope,” he answered.
“How do you feel about Jazz?” I asked.
“I haven’t heard much,” he said.
“You ever heard of a place called Preservation Hall?” I asked him, taking the beef out and slicing it just so, jiggling my hips a little, thinking…
“Isn’t that down south?” he asked, taking out his phone and Googling it up.
“Yes,” I said. “Check it out. You should go some time. Maybe after you get back from Paris?” I smiled.
Tailgate Ramble. Tuba Skinny. Jackson Stomp. When the Saints Go Marching In. I Get The Blues. The Bourbon Street Parade. Going Back Home.
I didn’t eat that afternoon. I made myself a cafe au lait and danced around the kitchen listening to the memories of that time I marched in the Mardi Gras parade, alone, wearing plastic beads and a fake crown, in a crowd of thousands.
But if I’d had a washboard and some thimbles I might have also played a harmless little tune.
Preparations for the Imperial Durbar were underway in the early hours as hundreds of servants scrubbed tiles and carried crates of supplies into and out of the Red Fort before the morning’s heat would become intolerable.
The Emperor and Empress of India weren’t due to arrive in Delhi for another week but Maharaja Sayajii Bahadur wanted everything to be perfect, and so he began preparations with his people weeks earlier.
The Maharaja knew better than anyone that once half a million people were gathered on the front lawns of his palace for the week-long festivities, anything imaginable could happen. His country’s history, and his own ancestral past, had taught him that it was always good to be ready… ready for anything.
He looked out from the Fort’s Darshan Balcony over the sea of white ceremonial tents being erected and strung with multi-coloured flags by hundreds of hired hands, and with a twinge of anticipation in his gut he envisioned the complete choreography of events that would soon happen on the grounds: thousands of commoners standing in awe of the spectacle, nobility glittering with full regalia, the royal dais set with palm fronds, throne seats and plush benches, tapestries and cushions for the many Princes of India who would be hosted guests at the Fort; fireworks, music, glamorous women dancing, every possible exotic food that their country could proffer; and elephant convoys with elaborate carriages porting their British rulers, Queen Mary and King George V, who would be wearing the Imperial Crowns of India.
I’m ‘old school’.
None of these ‘new-fangled’ technologically-savvy agendas for this gal. I keep one of those cheap (free give-away) calendars on my desk for twelve months of the year. On it, I write down (chicken scratch) my day-to-day activities, and I confess that when it comes time to write this annual Christmas Letter I’ve reached the age when I must flip back through the pages to see what we (the six of us) were ‘up to’ in this life (frenzied daily mad-dash).
In January of 2017 I had two unmarked days on my calendar, in February three, and in March one. That’s it. That’s the actual ‘jist’ of our lives: most days are filled to the brim with menial and not-so-menial things done or left to do, with a few ‘free’ days hanging in limbo and staring blankly back at me with that look of ‘what’s next?’
Onofre’s techno-savvy agenda is far worse. He has a lengthy list of ‘important’ things on his paperless programme and spends about fourteen hours a day fulfilling those duties. In between the important things he travels to far-away places (Holland, Germany, Italy, Israel) for medical conferences/seminars (Cryobiopsy training, Respirology talks), and manages to get away twice a year to visit his ‘other home’ in San Luis Potosi, Mexico (eat tacos with brothers, visit with aging parents, and drink with friends). He also, somehow, managed to plan and execute a surprise 50th birthday party for his unsuspecting wife two weeks ago. That was cool!
Adan, back from his internship year in Ottawa, where he was working in Robotics at Neptec Industries, settled nicely into his final year of Applied Math, Engineering at Queen’s University, and is currently seeking Master Degree programs for next September (Germany, Switzerland, England, Canada). His happy life is filled with school, friends, and girlfriend Mallory (who just finished her final courses at Queen’s and has accepted a real job at Statistics Canada in Ottawa). Both will convocate in May 2018, and we are very happy for them in their achievements and forthcoming adventures. Adan will soon be twenty-four years old but his mom is in some serious denial that her kids are growing into adults.
Willie worked at the Wolfe Island Boat House (coaching rowing) last summer, did not attend PEI for the same reason (giving his parents another excuse to go back asap), and is currently finishing his fourth year in Film and Media, Stage and Screen Special Concentration, at Queen’s University. He’s now seeking post-graduate training either in film production at Vancouver Film School or post-production in Toronto for next September. Recently, Willie submitted two of his pieces to local film fest contests and we’re waiting, with bated breath, to see what transpires. Certainly, the piece that his mother wrote an original screenplay for him to film has to get some kind of mention, doesn’t it? (Insert winking face here)
Andres grew about three inches this past year, or so it seems. He got his driver’s license (yikes), played rugby, went to San Francisco on the school band trip, went to PEI with us last summer; visited Mexico ‘solo’ (actually he went with Adan and they stayed/travelled around with Tio Paco for an unforgettable journey), was the captain of his Grade 12 Ultimate team (Frisbee golf), got a part-time job on campus (Pita Pit); and has been volunteering in Kingston General Hospital’s Emergency Room. Most recently, he played The Wizard of Oz in the school play and wow’ed us with his performance, and is currently directing an A Capella Group for the Juvenis Youth Theatre Festival in Kingston. Andres has applied to further his education at McGill, McMaster, Queen’s (yay), or Western (blah) in Life Sciences. We are waiting, with more ‘bated breath’ and fingers/toes/eyes crossed, for offers to arrive in Spring. Gerry won’t hit rock-bottom of that empty nest until the same time next year when Hannah starts her university application process.
Hannah also grew and left her mother behind, in the shadows, in terms of who is now the shortest of the family. She, too, went to PEI and San Francisco (see above), continued to groom and ride horses every week, rowed a quad and a double for her school’s rowing team, won the Art Battle and Junior Art Award, showed and sold some of her art work in Kingston, and created art cards of her drawings and sold those too (with help from her first biggest fan, Gerry, and her second biggest fan, Poppa). This young artist/entrepreneur has received much praise for her drawings/paintings, and has a list of people now commissioning pieces. She worked on backdrop/set for the school play and is now gearing up for another season of rowing, which (unfortunately for Gerry) starts with indoor training at an ungodly morning hour in the new year.
And, in the past year, among the highlights in the chicken-scratched day-to-day activities, Gerry, otherwise known as The Overseer, released a young adult novel (I.R.I.S.), published a few (5) short fiction and creative nonfiction pieces in Canadian and British/US literary magazines (Carte Blanche, Blank Spaces, Forage Poetry), helped plan and accomplish a successful 30th High School Reunion in Port Perry, Ontario; re-visited PEI (ahh, heaven) and saw family in Nova Scotia (so nice); saved our student rental houses from floods at least 4 times, wrote an original screenplay for her son’s first solo short film (first time/see above), toured 3 universities; attended 26 different doctor/dentist/optometrist appointments, went to the barn 47 times, saw about 14 community theatre/school/local plays; attended the annual running of The Queen’s Plate, saw Elton John live in concert (bucket list), attended the Royal Winter Fair in excellent company; planned and brought-about a Tax Town Hall in Kingston to contest the proposed tax reforms, wrote a 50,000 word novel in thirty days (yes, it’s true so stay tuned in 2018), and turned 50.
Not bad! Not bad at all!
So the way I see it, the way this ‘Overseer’ sees it as she places another free give-away calendar on her very messy desk next week and flips the front cover to reveal an empty ‘January 2018’ staring blankly back at her… It’s time, once again, to fill those blanks with all the ‘what’s next’ things to do and ‘what can we do next’ things left to be done.
May your New Year be as fulfilling, as exciting, and as productive as our current year has been but with a little less mad-dash and a lot more delight written between the lines in your own chicken scratch, so that you too can come to the conclusion that I have come to…
I’d never have it any other way!
Best wishes of love, health, and happiness, from our bunch to yours, now and throughout 2018.
I confess. I’m a total cheat.
Like when I drink half of the cup of coffee and then top it up, twice, I don’t count that as three cups of coffee per day. No. It’s clearly only two cups, Doctor, I’d never lie to you about my daily caffeine intake.
Or when we’re budgeting and then I’m literally forced (kicking and screaming) to divulge the amount of money I aim to spend on holiday gifts, key word ‘aim’, but somehow forget about the stocking stuffers since that doesn’t count, right?
Surely this kind of cheating happens because I aim to please.
So when I signed up for the global National Novel Writing Month Competition (NaNoWriMo 2017) way back in the dog days of summer, I clearly knew ahead of time that I would have to cheat; like have to, or else I’d never be able to write the required fifty thousand words in the time frame of thirty, laughable, honestly absurd, given days.
Who can do that? Not me, I said to myself, that’s who!
So I cheated. But just a wee little itsy bitsy bit.
Okay fine, maybe it was an eight-thousand-word-I-started-in-September-to-get-a-head-start style of cheat. But what’s a little cheating in the grand scheme of things?
I still managed to write the remaining [42,045] words in a mere, laughable, totally absurd, twenty-eight days. Whoot whoot!
And what did this challenge teach me besides the obvious? I have a first draft ready and waiting to be formed and shaped into an actual novel, wow, and I am fully aware that I can get something done if I really, like really, put my mind to it (and forget about housework).
It taught me that free-falling into fiction is incredibly liberating, that I’m not the only nutso person out there in the world (you’d be surprised at the number of participants in the NaNoWriMo challenge each year), and that I might just have the ability to slay that nasty beast called Doubt.
But I might have to cheat a little in order to get the job done!
It is 8:20am and I am IN the groove. Or not!
I’m working on my third cup of lukewarm coffee, the spouse and kids have vacated the premises, the dog is sleeping; and the dishwasher is making that crunchy grinding noise again. I can’t look over my shoulder, not once, because IF I do…chaos will ensue. I must block it from my mind. I pretend there aren’t four cereal boxes open on the counter, kitchen recycling spilling over the transom of blue bins, and a pile of laundry sitting on the floor of the mudroom.
In order to be a writer one must never sweat the small stuff.
I once read a quote about writing that has stuck with me like a tiny splinter: you think it’s gone but then the tiniest brush against the finger reveals that sharp stab of pain.
The writer who spoke such inflicting words won a Pulitzer and a Nobel prize for his work, so he was, in other words, no slouch.
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” -Ernest Hemingway
But he also said, “Write drunk; edit sober,” and I’m afraid I’ll never accomplish anything if I crack open the tequila at this hour of the day. Salud!
I’ll play it safe and stick to coffee.
Which inspires me to imagine what might happen if I followed his advice when writing for my real job (Translating scientific and medical research from Spanish to English for publication in high-impact medical journals). There are many kinds of writing, each requiring its own set of unspoken guidelines.
Drunken inspirations are better left to fiction!
And that’s not to say that good scientific writing doesn’t require some form of inspiration, but the imagination-free-for-all that happens in a blissful moment of creation when writing fiction is the essence we imaginative writers strive to achieve.
How do you know when you’ve reached that idyllic place? Is there something in the reading of the actual writing, or is it more of an out-of-body transcendence you experience while in the throes of writers’ passion?
You’ve seen it in musicians, haven’t you? When they’re so in tune, pardon the pun, with the expression of their art that it shows on their faces, and you hear it in their voices: when they reach another plane, another dimension of feeling, an otherworldly place all of their own; lifted beyond the limits to another level that sends shivers of emotion down the spines of their earth-bound audience.
It’s what we all want to do: touch our audiences so profoundly that they feel it in their bones, in the tight grip of their throats, in the sensation that stings like pain from the gentlest of brushes against their own imaginations while reading your words…
What better compliment can a writer receive than, “I might have cried a little, okay a lot, when I read your book. I was sobbing, but I couldn’t put it down.”
For now, all science nerdiness aside, I’ll ignore the small stuff and seek my own ethereal plane in the hopes that I can once again affect my audience with a mere hint of that otherworldly delight.
Blood, sweat, tears, and coffee; but not necessarily in that order.
By the time you reach a ‘certain’ age you’ve probably done some wild and wacky things (and if not, why not?). For the purposes of safety, we’re not talking about the kinds of things that TV producers caution, ‘NEVER TRY THIS TRICK AT HOME’. Rather, we’re thinking about that time you bungee cord jumped over a raging Australian ravine, or the time you drove out West (alone, before they invented GPS devices or cell phones) through Roger’s Pass, one grey December day, in a slight blizzard (I said slight, didn’t I?).
And then there are the not-so-mentionables, like Wreck Beach, Friday afternoons at Clarke’s Pub, the farm in White Rock, or one -very interesting- first date with some Mexican guy (even IF you married him two years later). About those things that make us all say shhhh behind our gentle yet reminiscent smiles (and we hope your lives are as filled with those kinds of smiles as ours are).
But I have this friend, and muse, who has done the impossible! She has set the ‘crazy things’ bar higher than I ever thought I’d strive to reach; and now, she has convinced me that I, too, can be utterly NUTS!
It feels so good to belong.
Na-no-wri-mo is the compressed name for National Novel Writing Month, which takes place each November, and is completely bonkers.
So I’m doing it. Of course.
Be warned: Nanowrimo is not for the faint of heart. It involves gluing your butt to that cold leather chair in the basement and writing 50,000 words in 30 days. I’ve heard rumours that it invokes the Gods of cold pizza, stale coffee, bloodshot eyes and maniacal laughter. And I’ve heard that buckets of teardrops have been collected for use in areas of drought.
And so I warn, “DO NOT TRY THIS TRICK AT HOME!”
Just wish me luck as I fall deep into that pit of despair at midnight on Nov. 1st, 2017. May the Gods be ever in my favour.